The Invisible Illness

I am a mental health advocate. I always have been and always will be and what drives me absolutely insane is when people say "mental illness is not real" or, "mental illness can be cured with (insert random activity that has nothing to do with mental health here.)" Or my absolute favorite, "just get over it."

Just because mental illness is not always visible does not mean that it is not real.

I am so passionate about this because I am a survivor myself. I use the word survivor for a reason. I do not suffer from it and it has not defeated me. I have had an anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. For the majority of my upbringing I thought what I was feeling what normal. I had never heard of mental illness until I was about 14 and even then, I was not super clear on what it was. With that being said, I would like to tell you part of my mental health story.

I remember being nervous to go to school because I thought everyone would judge me. I hated speaking in class, meeting new people was so intimidating. I thought this was normal. I am rather ashamed to say that I did not have my a-ha moment until about 4 or 5 years ago.

I was sitting in my abnormal psychology class and our professor was talking about anxiety and different types of anxiety disorders. I found myself understanding too much of the lesson on a personal level. After class I read all the material I could about generalized anxiety and social anxiety because those were the two that I was identifying with the most. Everything fit me. When I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.

Finding a name for how I had been feeling for the majority of my life was so empowering. I was so excited to finally have a name for it after all those years. Suddenly my actions and emotions made sense!

I have never been in therapy for my anxiety and I have never been on any medication. I decided to try handling it on my own with self care. I am much better than I used to be. Old me would have been terrified to go to work and answer a phone (which is what I do now.) I talk to new people every day and it doesn't trigger me at all. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. An example I would like to use happened in November of last year.

My husband and I were at a friends wedding. It was a small wedding and he was in the wedding party. I had been preparing mentally for this wedding for weeks because I knew I would be alone in a room full of people I did not really know and that is one of my triggers.

I made it through the ceremony pretty okay. Anxiety did not strike until after the ceremony. Like I said earlier, my husband was in the wedding party, so he had to take pictures. I was sitting alone and I don't even know what the trigger was or what happened but a wave of anxiety came over me and I was starting to go into a full blown panic attack. I was in a public place so I did not really know what to do. Luckily, before the wedding ceremony Dominic had given me the keys to the car to hold. So what did I do? I went out to the car. I got in and tried to breathe steadily and deeply but it was not working.

For those of you who have never experienced a panic attack, you seriously feel like you are going to die. There is definitely a sense of impending doom. You often cannot breathe and your heart is pounding. Most people when they have one for the first time think it is a heart attack. It is that intense.

My dad, who also has anxiety, had texted me during the wedding and told me to call him when I had the chance so I figured, who better would understand me in this moment than him? I called him up and talking to him was what I needed to calm down. He listened to me and eventually I was able to go back inside. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have someone to talk to who will not judge you when you are at your most vulnerable.

After returning to the wedding I guess I still had a look of terror on my face because the grooms mom came over and asked me if I was okay. I don't know if anyone else who has anxiety and panic attacks is this way but during or after I have a panic attack, asking if I am okay is not something that you should do. This set me off all over again because I now thought everyone in the room could see my weakness. I told her I was fine but really, I was crumbling. My sweet husband always can tell when I am anxious. He came over and sat with me for a second and told me that if I needed to go to the car I should and it was okay if I did.

I went, and did not come back in after that. Dominic came out to the car and took me home a few minutes later. I felt terrible that we left and I felt even worse that my stupid problem was effecting someone I love so much. But, Dom is the absolute best at helping me to stop spiraling out of control. He is so kind and understanding and knows exactly what to say.

I tell this story to illustrate that my mental illness can sometimes beat me. This was a battle that it won. I fought hard but ultimately it won. When this happens I try to tell myself that it may have won the battle but it will not win the war.

Sometimes I struggle but I have many things in my toolbox. I want to share some of that with you today. If I can help just one person by sharing my story, then I have done my job.

So, here are some of the things in my anxiety defense toolbox.

1. 4-7-8 breathing. This is very easy to do and can be done from anywhere. Start by exhaling completely. With your mouth closed, breathe through your nose and count to 4. Hold the breath for 7 counts then exhale for a count of 8 and start over again. I do this until my breathing becomes more steady.

2. Meditation. I really like the Honest Guys on YouTube. Their channel can be found here. They have everything from long videos to short ones. Just pop your headphones in and you're ready to go.

3. Reading. Any book really. I always feel better after getting lost in a different world.

4. Blankets. I love to wrap myself in a blanket burrito style when I feel anxious. It is very calming. One day I hope to have a weighted blanket, so if you are looking to buy me a present for any reason, that would be a good one ;)

5. Music. I would listen to music every day while I walked the halls at UVU. It really helped me take my mind off of the people sitting the hallways and made me stop wondering if maybe they were judging me. Mat Kearney is the artist that has helped the most. His music just has a very calming effect on me. The song of his that calms me the most can be found here.

So, yes mental illness is real. It is as real as the sky, the air, and the grass. I know this because I live it every day. No it cannot be cured with exercise or herbs, and no, people cannot just "get over it." Battling a mental illness is a lot like the question "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." You have to take it one day at a time. Some days are good, others are not so good but it is your choice if you want to continue fighting or not. I choose to fight. I choose to survive.